image by eric castro
Is should a regular part of your vocabulary? If you’ve popped over to sign my Crone’s Manifesto, you’ll know it’s one of those words I believe we must banish from our lives. But easier said than done, the damn thing is automatic. (I actually typed “…we should banish…” in that last sentence and had to edit it!)
Why is “should” so bad?
I think it hides from us what we really want. It starts with the same syllable as “Shush”. It lulls us to sleep. All those shoulds scurry around in our brains distracting us from our real life’s purpose. If I believed in a personal devil I would think he invented the concept. In many ways it’s more insidious than being actively nasty, because of that constant distraction. It makes us subservient to our thoughts.
What about necessity?
What about when we really have to do something?
Then we really have to do it, or face the consequences. If you fail to deal with your taxes, you’ll get into financial and possibly legal trouble. If you spend more money than you earn and don’t cut back, same story.
What about duty?
Duty is an interesting one, isn’t it? Perhaps it’s a loaded word for love.
For example I can’t imagine there’s a carer anywhere in the world who doesn’t sometimes begrudge their caring and long to run off to a desert island somewhere. But they still love the person they are caring for. It’s possible to hold those two concepts of resentment and love together in your heart.
And if you can’t stand your partner’s family and still see them every Sunday, that’s a consequence of love for your partner. (You still have a choice though: perhaps to negotiate a different pattern out of love for yourself, or to find new ways of relating to them.)
But if your so-called duty is to do with what people think of you, then that’s a very different animal.
How can “should” help?
When we find ourselves using should a lot, it can be a great signpost. Ask yourself these questions:
- What part of my deep self and my dreams is hiding behind this word?
- Who would I be if I didn’t use the word?
- What will happen if I don’t do this thing?
- When do I need to be of service to myself, not others?
- Do I actually want to change?
Pay attention
Language is enormously powerful. Pay attention to your words and thoughts. Notice each time you use should. When you first stop using the s-word, it can feel as if your thoughts are half-formed. This is a good thing, you’re growing!
Start substituting other words and phrases.
Can you say “I want”? If not, is it “I must”? How about “I choose to”? Can you see how each of these changes the concept and focus of your thought? And if these don’t fit, you gotta practice saying no!
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
I agree with you on the “should” word, I recommend substituting with “could”. Like “I could do the housework” rather than “I should do the housework” – in this case so much easier then not do the housework!!
Yes, could is a good one!
I would like to say that I have shed ‘shoulds’ as my hair turns ever whiter. But in fact I keep should still for those I love. A mistake really. They want me happy rather than dutiful.
Still, I feel less bound by shoulds as I turn ever more into a crone.
Wonderful reflection, however. I will nurse your questions. Thank you.
claire recently posted..High As A Kite
At least your shoulds are for those you love, Claire.
Ahhh, ye silly word, the old “should”.
Yeah, I use it a bit, but I guess it’s a good thing that it’s a bit of an alarm bell these days. I notice when I say it and can try and take a bit of notice of what might be lying underneath. I really like the first question: “What part of my deep self and my dreams is hiding behind this word?”
It’s funny, the different seasons of our life. For instance, I am having a “should” moment this evening because I am having an ambivalent *should* time
On the one hand, I feel like I *should* have reined in my anger at my landlord for what I have perceived as him ripping me off in terms of giving me back my bond. Sure, there were a few things that needed repairing in the house but he basically has charged me for the whole lot, and I was very disappointed in him and told him, in measured terms, that I was angry.
His response? A preaching sermon on why anger is NEVER justified and that it is a sign of emotional immaturity. The gall of the man! I actually think he thinks he is being oh-so-uber-spiritual in his claims about anger … and of course the interesting thing is that ultimately I believe him. And yet, to tell someone after the fact to not be angry is really just pointless uber-spiritual point-scoring. Anger is an emotion like all others. Perhasp he *should* mind his own business :p
(I also *should* not write comments on blogs at 2.32 am. I *should* be in bed, but have been caught up by a job that wouldn’t wait for a company that is as inflexible as my elbow joint. Oh, well, these things happen in the land of working from home
I love everything about this comment!
Oh, don’t encourage me, Tess. It gets long
Sue recently posted..Growing
And of course, inevitably, I am now knee-deep in a “should”, because I thought I’d scheduled this post to appear tomorrow, not today. I should have paid more attention…
I have tried for a number of years now, to avoid “shoulding” on anyone, especially myself.
Barbara recently posted..Canine Cop of the Year
I’m delighted to hear it! And hoping that Furlicity takes the same approach.
I agree that our words, including the ones we silently tell ourselves, have enormous power.
For my part, I’ve never hurtfully ‘shoulded’ on myself. My internal language challenge has been more along the lines of calling myself the B-word in low moments. Reading a sassy book “Why Men Love Bitches” helped me with this. The author grabbed and redefined the word in a positive way. Kind of the way that my friends and readers helped me grab and redefine the word ‘hippie’ after my Arizona reader suggested that I was one.
Love your blog, Tess.
Alison Wiley recently posted..Top Ten Things To Happily Live Without, Part II
Thanks Alison, I love this redefining of language.
When I hear myself using “should” a lot, I always stop and ask myself that age-old question of young children:
“Who says?!”
Often, it’s a voice from the past or some other social or cultural conditioning. Sorting that out helps me see what’s really important to me and reminds me that I have a choice. And that changes everything!
Thank you, that’s a great use of a childhood question, I’ll remember that one!
I have a terrific super-ego or conscience or whatever it should be called. I get berated from within with force. But one place it helped was getting rid of the smoking habit I foolishly took on when I was young. For years it kept saying quit, quit, quit, quit, until I did. Three weeks of falling into a black hole it seemed in withdrawal, but oddly the same power that berated was just as strong saying, yes, yes, yes, yes, right through the exit. Interesting.
Interesting indeed! Thank you. And I’m glad you were able to quit.